Hair removal seems to be common place for women these days and it seems more of these female products (whether it be hair dye or even mascara!) are being targetted at a male market. The latest in this theme are hair removal products via some sort of gel that dissolves the offending hairy thatches.
Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme is widely available but it was a review over at Amazon.co.uk that I found highly amusing. I’m featuring it here in all it’s glory just incase it gets removed from their servers.
First up from Mr A Chappell:-
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.
I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it’s way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it’s engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering…” Ooooh that feels good “. Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect…:)
Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don’t have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.
(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)
Probably the first thing you will notice after using this product is the pain. Although as a man I lack the required experience, I’m going to estimate that using this product is at least eleven times more painful than childbirth.
Imagine sticking a rusty razor blade into your favourite eye, before tying your hands behind your back. Then imagine that you use the entrenched razor blade to slice open a raw onion. All the while being butt naked. This product is slightly more painful than that.
However if we ignore the blinding, crippling and debilitating pain I should point out that this product is remarkably effective. Before, all manner of organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I’ve spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman’s arse, all to no avail. My tinkywinkleton hasn’t even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it’s only because I wanted children.
From Nicky R:-
Picture the scene: a badly sunburnt, blistered and shaved Boris Johnson carries two red Space Hoppers accross the surface of Mars. This is an accurrate description of the current state of my genital region 3 weeks after a liberal application of this product. Seriously, my once proud Biggles looks more like the lone equine survivor of a fire at a donkey sanctuary.
On the positive side i can report the following unexpected benefits:
– My pain threshold has almost trebled
– I can now pass urine in 3 positions: standing, sitting and curled in a ball weeping.
– using a shammy leather and some wax I was able to polish up my ballbag enough to act as a signal for passing ships, saving me from certain starvation one time when i was stuck on a desert island
I started coating everything in and around my nether regions with these 2 tubes of Veet for men and then was looking in the full length bathroom cabinet mirror for the first sign of results – after about 30 seconds I started to feel the warming effect of this cream and then noticing that my merkin is now starting to dissolve before my very eyes, at this point I smiled to myself and started thinking how this will change my life – BIG MISTAKE as I am suddenly brought back to reality from my future daydreaming to a hot searing pain coming from below.
This pain is now increasing exponentially at an alarming rate with my todger and plums starting to smoke profusely I jump into the icebath I had meticulously setup earlier and believed my troubles were sorted if with only minor injurys to the tackle and a steam filled bathroom, again reality snapped me back as flames underneath the water like a welders torch had burnt a hole in the bottom of the bath and the water and ice was dissapearing fast – my only hope was the fire extinguisher I keep in the garden shed for my parts below now looking like a stubby lightsaber and a couple of plasma balls as I catch a glance of them whilst leaping out the bath and jumping down the entire stairs in search of the extinguisher;
I make it outside and to the shed door quicker than the government can spend your taxes, fling open the door grab the extinguisher and engulf my wedding tackle in CO2 Powder, as the powder dispearses, I can only describe what i saw as similar to what happened in Raiders of the Lost Arc when they opened the arc of the covenant, a fast melting of everything this cream had come in contact with.
Being in my late thirties and also suffering the rapid onset of HDF (hairy dung funnel), I decided to give Veet for Men a try. Desperate times call for desperate measures, going for a poo was like trying to push an uncooked sausage through Dave Lee Travis’ beard.
Have you ever kept the same wire wool scrubber for your pots and pans too long, when it gets bits of bolognese stuck in it . . . well you get the idea with that. Having purchased my Veet, it was time to say goodbye to HDF and I carefully smeared the product that promised so much into my nether regions. The sensation of pain that followed less than a minute later is hard to describe with words, but I will try. Imagine Valentino Rossi has just parked his super bike between your cheeks and commenced a particularly impressive burnout right pn the rim of your slicer. Actually burnout really is a great word to use here, my anus looked and felt as though it had been the victim of an arson attack. The always tender sphinctoral perimeter was now so raw, a tattered windsock of distressed skin, it almost seemed to scream all by itself.
Panic set in and started running round the house, trousers round my ankles, looking like I was riding an invisible bucking bronco, I needed to find something to cool the increasingly painful burning sensation, and fast. Let’s just say I’ve put everyone I know off of ever eating chocolate chip ice cream again. Despite all this, a few days later when my undercarriage was no longer the colour of a Dynarod van, all the matted hair was gone. Success! I wholeheartedly recommend this product to other HDF sufferers, just be prepared for the pain and remember what your Nan said when you were a kid, if it doesn’t taste nice then it must be doing you some good.